Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
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I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
January has been Januweary
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn