Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Coffee is ready.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing