I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
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Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Running from your problems is cardio .
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.