In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You Might Also Like
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real