The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
had to make it
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target