Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
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these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!