When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
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Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Am I having a stroke?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.