*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”