tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”