I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
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[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
My blood type is b hungry.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it