People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Why font matters.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire