imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed âFLAP HARDERâ but she didnât listen
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Phew. After THAT lunch I wonât need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in NovemberâŚ
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I donât want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, itâs him heâs here
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight đ Congratulations England, richly deserved đđ˝đ #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like donât, theyâre apex predators so theyâll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually youâll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Show me your nuts.
Show me youâre nuts.See how important the âyouâreâ âyourâ thing is?
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, thatâs long enough
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things âchocolateâ if I canât eat them. Thank you.
How come when someone says âwe need to talkâ itâs never about ice cream or Star Wars?
