*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
We’re all getting idioter.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok