USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
good work, everybody
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
beware of dog
(jukin media)
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
When you’ve simply given up.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?