Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.