I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
True freaking story!
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69