Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’d use my best pan on you.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.