A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Oh, I bet you would be
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit