one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
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My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.