[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
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“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Bobby pin
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
two people or more is called a problem
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I’m literally crying