Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
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How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.