Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
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There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Me :
All Day At Night
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.