Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
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Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Home #decor warning.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
#MeanwhileinCanada
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night