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If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
yall want some gasoline milk
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.