But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
You Might Also Like
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.