“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I’m calling the cops.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
I enjoy a good short stor
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?