I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
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This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Breaking news:
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.