I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.