Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
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I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
This is amazing.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.