I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
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angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
why no one uses midhusbands
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.