friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
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[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you