I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
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I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
No way!
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes