I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
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Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Plant care tips
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…