Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
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Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.