Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
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The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
I’ve had worse
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?