it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.