Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
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Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl