Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster