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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings