cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Me when my alarm goes off
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person