Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive