You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
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She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
i hate you platonically
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.