*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Vodka burrito was a success
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
When someone says you are so lazy
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.