Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.