Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
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Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.