Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
You Might Also Like
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
HERE’S MARKY
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
something like this could probably happen to anyone
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.