We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
You Might Also Like
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Ummm
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers