He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
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ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.