[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
You Might Also Like
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
The 6 types of sex
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
mariah carrie
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.