“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent